me is maddie

So Much Better

Despite the crazy dealings with Illustrator, vectors, tests and verifying… oh the verifying… I am SO CALM. It’s ridiculous how calm I am, and I question this ‘calm’ because as many know, I’m a pretty anxious person.

I’m wandering

I’m fickle

I’m moody

I’m fast

I’m slow

Things are picking up this week, but I guess I know I can do this. Calm, not only because I know it can be done, but calm because I’ve let go of something that ate at me. I’ve finally found myself again, and it’s invigorating.

Funny how, you think having someone to hold or kiss makes everything better. Results vary.

Now, I’m SO MUCH BETTER now than how I was before.

“Do not leave mad, just leave”

…to many, spring break is a time to do the crazy… to go to panama city, to go to cancun and senor frogs, to get drunk and crazy in neon bathing suits.

…surprisingly, I didn’t do the college thing for spring break, rather, my plans changed to reveal a much more important thing in my life, and a good one.

Original plans were to stay put in Austin and experience SXSW. Go to those free parties, meet famous people, play with new technology, the young thing. Young people everywhere, with cut off jeans, grey colored clothing and combat boots. Those neon colored lips, moo-moo skirts and sunglasses covering your wandering eyes: yeah that could’ve been me. But plans change right?

My grandmother was scheduled to have cataract surgery on Wednesday, but as I pulled in I got news that it was rescheduled. She was so happy for me to be there and spend time with her. I would just be studying all week by her side while she watched her telenovelas.

Days went by, we went to get her lotto tickets everyday and washed her car one day. Each day, seeming to get harder for her to walk. I noticed she couldn’t cook as much as before because she couldn’t move well. Her constant remarks about her body, how it couldn’t move as well as before, how she became dizzy just from standing up. We are always trying to get her to move around.

The same Wednesday, rather, we went to a viewing of my cousin’s grandfather who passed away. Abuelita refused to go, but when I arrived she said she would. I’m told she was depressed from the news, believing that she will be the next to leave.

We arrive at the viewing, I stand by the table of jason’s deli sandwiches and indulge myself. Feeling a bit bad being gluttonous, but my metabolism is at an all time high now. Seven ‘o’ clock rolls around, and we have the ceremony, where several family members went to talk about this man’s life whom I didn’t get a chance to be a part of. He sounded like a wonderful man, a follower of yoga and ideas of Buddhism. My cousin Natalie recited some of the best words of wisdom of his…

“Do not leave mad, just leave.”

I thought at the moment, that it could apply to anything. There were so many things I needed to let go of, so many things I was mad it and hated. But hate shouldn’t be surrounding me, but it does.

Living with my grandmother for a week was enlightening. I saw how it is to be a widow, alone, but always surrounded by family. Our family is always there for each other, and I forget how blessed I am to be able to just go up to any one of them and know they will love me no matter the consequence, or what I’ve done in my life. They love no matter how smart or how much money you have.

My grandmother especially. I love her. :)

Food and Sex

Then again, food has often served as a metaphor for sex —- or sometimes sex’s twin sibling in that whither goes one, the other is never far behind…

-Leslie Li from “Daughter of Heaven”